General Zod in 2008

The Mighty General Zod

Vote for your ruler

When I first came to your planet and demanded your homes, property and very lives, I didn't know you were already doing so, willingly, with your own government. I can win no tribute from a bankrupted nation populated by feeble flag-waving plebians. In 2008 I shall restore your dignity and make you servants worthy of my rule. This new government shall become a tool of my oppression. Instead of hidden agendas and waffling policies, I offer you direct candor and brutal certainty. I only ask for your tribute, your lives, and your vote.

- General Zod
Your Future President and Eternal Ruler

Zod demands tribute as primaries draw closer
    RAPID CITY (AP) -- General Zod issued a demand Thursday for $142 million in tribute for August 2007 to fund his bid for the 2008 Presidential race.
    Said Zod at a campaign breakfast, "Now is the time to show your allegience. With an election drawing near, I must rise before you and do these things that are necessary, this campaigning, as it were, to take my rightful place in the White House.
    "Today dawns a new era of prosperity! All citizens shall joyously offer half their wages this month. You shall use your phone and dial one of the three agencies allowed to collect these funds. The numbers are 1-800-525-6285, 1-888-397-3742, or 1-800-680-7289. You must give them a credit card or bank account number. If tribute is not forthcoming, rest assured these agencies have all powers to appropriate what is yours! They shall enslave you, and one day, your heirs!"
    The General's campaign office could not be reached for comment.

The General meets farmers
    KANSAS CITY (AP) -- General Zod met with a group of farmers at a rally in Bethany, Missouri on August 8. The farmers begged Zod to "tear down this monstrosity of corporate welfare" and address the needs of family farmers, not industrial-sized farms
    Said Zod, "Yes, I understand that the American taxpayers give $10 billion to agribusiness every year. The majority of this money is indeed directed to large-scale corporate-owned farming operations like Monsanto, Cargill and Archer Daniels Midland. I concede that these corporations, whatever they are, will never kneel before me. The fact that the $258 billion 2007 Farm Bill was rubber-stamped, even by your spineless Democrats, is a guarantee of the status quo and speaks of powerful and entrenched interests that captivate your Congress. I choose my battles wisely, and in this case I shall double the subsidies to appease these rulers."
    "I say to you, I extend my benevolent and merciful protection over you farmers. I shall protect you and your families from the insolent threat of the Guatemalan papaya industry, and the horrors of the Canadian hydroponic tomato operations. These shall never live to see the light of day here in Missouri. All kneel before Zod!"
    Zod then departed the rally with great haste, leaving a disappointed crowd where several women were observed crying.

Zod kicks off campaign in Philly
    PHILADELPHIA (Reuters) -- General Zod launched his 2008 Presidential bid on July 4, greeted by a crowd of over 25,000.
    "I am General Zod!" he bellowed, surveying the masses. "Listen to me, people of the Earth! Today I bring a new order to your planet! Your lands, your homes, your possessions, your very lives -- all of this and more you will gladly give to me! In return, I promise you lower taxes and cheap gas prices!"
    The promise was met by wild cheers and a fanfare of balloons and confetti.
    He continued: "It is as useless for you to deny me your vote as it is for me to annihilate you. You will only bring death and destruction upon yourselves, while I lose the potential products of your labor. In return for your vote, you will have my generous protection! In other words - you will be allowed to live.
    "Hear me now! There is now one law, one order, one ruler who alone will determine your collective destiny! Kneel before me! From this day forward - there is only Zod!"
    The reception among the crowd was enthusiastic. Said Doris Eddins, 53, of Trenton, "That's my President right there. I hear he's gonna put a lien on my house, but he's promising tax refunds. You hear that? The President's gonna send me a check!"
    Zod is expected to make stops in Cincinnati and Indianapolis tomorrow.

Zod About General Motors on C-SPAN
    General Zod appeared on C-SPAN's Washington Journal Thursday. General wants to save GM brand with all model lines, car accessories plants and other GM facilities as it helps to conquer the world and make it dependent from the cars by General Motors.

Swear eternal allegiance. You cannot bargain at the ballot box.

  • I do not take orders. I give them. Congress shall no longer have the ability to impeach me or override my decisions, and the Supreme Court shall not meddle in government affairs.
  • Your freedom will be expanded. You will be even more free to give your money and lives to me, and to be my eternal subjects.
  • Eliminate the Iraq War. The Iraq War has shifted $187 billion to the defense industry. How is this "defense industry" to kneel before me? Are my praises to be sung as footnotes in their paperwork? You will stop giving these corporations your wealth. I suggest you put the money into your own schools and health care, so that I may have intelligent, healthy servants. I will indulge your wishes if you all want a Westernized, unpopular regime in Iraq, and I too shall gloat in its troubles, but it will not be done at my expense.
  • Universal health care. Even a criminal like myself is shocked that millions are not able to get health insurance and cannot pay for basic surgery. Who are these power brokers that allow the pigpen to become wormy and filthy? I demand your very lives, but I am not such an imbecile as to institutionalize suffering and poverty. You have my assurance that this shall change swiftly.
  • Corporate reform. You people have become disgusting minions to these things you call "corporations". These things take your money and your land, put you into debt, send your jobs overseas, provide you with unsafe foods, and sue you when you say anything bad about them. Yet you people fatten them up at the ballot box. You give them free land, name your stadiums after them, allow them to telemarket you, and even sacrifice your own bankruptcy protections. Quite frankly it astonishes me. I will break this sickly codependency. It is I who shall be your ruler. I shall empower you with wealth to give me as tribute. A corporation cannot bow to me or give me tribute that comes from the heart.
  • You will buy U.S. made items. Why do you buy Chinese-made items when you know that it sells out the jobs of your family and friends? How will you buy those cheap things when you have no job? You are sending my wealth and tribute to foreign lands. I will not tolerate this.

Rating count: 190
Rating: 9 of 10

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