Older "Ask The General" questions
Q. Many U.S. presidents have brought pets into the White House after moving in. The current presidential family has several dogs and a cat. Do you have any pets, or do you plan to acquire any once you move into the White House? What sort of pet do you or would you have? What sort of pet names do you like? By the way, are there any t-shirts or bumper stickers I can buy to display my enthusiasm for your campaign? Thank you very much for your time. - Brent L.
Q. Yes, a curious question. Zod is a fan of the ascaris worm, seen at right. This shall be the White House pet. I expect many books of tribute to be written about this creature. It truly embodies the dark side of the mind. And you ask about bumper stickers. My staff shall be working on bumper stickers soon, though since these are obligated as tribute, and as tribute they would not be visible to all, it does seem moot to produce them.
Q. General Zod, You promised Lex Luthor that you would give him Australia. Do you intend to keep your word? P.S. I know for a fact that the Justice League is planning to stop you and your cronies from world domination. Frankly, I don't know how you could win because billions of dollars worth of damageyou caused. You also nearly killed hundreds because of your carelessness for life. You are evil, General Codfish, and I will expose you. - Clark
A. Ah, Clark, you write from -- ah, Lithgow Correctional Centre, Marrangaroo, Lithgow NSW 2790 Australia. Do you not remember who your Australian ruler is? Is this a petty attempt to confuse Zod? You shall stay, and you shall rot.
Q. O Mighty General Zod! Soon to be President, yet current Ruler Of Planet Earth... My insignificant and mindless question concerns Vice-President Ursa. I must assume that being almost as powerful as your Lordship, and being Second-In-Command in your planetary rulership that she may require some sex slaves. Where may I sign up to be her personal assistant in charge of tongue-baths? I realize I am unworthy to soil your superior mental capacity with such rubbish, but I find her HOT and wish to caress her very thighs with my drool.... Your Eternal Slave, - NeonBozo69
A. Fool! You dare approach your rulers with sexual propositions? This shall not be tolerated anymore! My staff will filter all such letters in the future and your address will be passed to the DHS, who shall take care of you.
Subject: Adv: Coverage of your website Designing www. zod2008.com
Date: Tue, 13 Sep 2005 14:04:06 -0700
September 9, 2005
Dear Mr. General Zod
Congratulations on making a brilliant decision to go online with your domain name zod2008.com. I am writing this email specifically to you. I should share the following important information with you.
Broadly speaking, there are two types of websites, 1) Informative website and 2) Marketing Website. Most websites that are designed by people with limited web experience end up being 'informative' by nature, and are generally ineffective in making any positive, financial difference to the owner of the website. Most template and non custom-designed sites fall into this category. In our professional opinion, an outstanding website is a 'marketing'
site, and it works 24 hours/day, and generates notable revenues to the owner of the site. A good website should deliver the following with very few clicks: a) what the company does, b) the company's strengths c) what differentiates them from their competition, and d) any other powerful, unique features/solutions that they offer.
A 'thinking' site is a site that achieves all of the above objectives with 'No' clicks, instead of a few clicks. When we design websites for our customers, we create and dedicate a small portion of the viewing area to continuously do 'marketing' of our customer's products/services, and deliver powerful messages nicely. This way, the risk of a website viewer not getting our customer's message becomes negligible. Here is an example of a good
thinking and marketing site that we did for one of our clients recently: http://www.[crappy site].com Quality: Also, please take a look at our impressive portfolio at http://www.[nest of spammers].net/ where you will see a number of examples.
Send an email to me at firstname.lastname@example.org with your contact information and the best time to call, and I will call you.
Mr. General Zod , I thank you very much for taking the time to read this important email. I sincerely appreciate it, and would love to have your association. I sincerely hope that I have not wasted your time. If you choose to not respond to this email, I will conclude that you are not interested in our services, and I assure you that you will not get another email from me. In that case, please accept my sincere and profuse apology for
taking your time.
Looking forward to hearing from you!
Q. Dear Zod, Two questions sir. One, is it true that amoungst your considered cabinet members will be the Joker, Two-Face and Rob Lowe? Second sir, how were you able to restore your powers after the confrontation with the son of Jor-el? -- David B.
A. That group in my Cabinet? Certainly not, for I have heard rumours that the Joker has sex with underage girls. This type of foolishness greatly annoys me. And I escaped from the son of our jailer, from -- well, let's say that Superman's pit went straight down many miles to this place of eternal fire, and it was there that I found help and strength. Do you know that Superman communes with whoever is down there? I was told that they were in a bind, and way behind, so Superman sold them a fiddle of gold in exchange for supernatural strength.
Q. Oh mighty and benevolentless one! Do you intend to continue the special relationship with my own country [United Kingdom] so that we may continue to kiss the ass of your glorious country from afar? Even better, can you use your great power to uproot our poodle-shaped island from Europe and drop us in the Gulf of Mexico where we could serve you as an oil rig? -- Tony, UK
A. I gloat proudly in the oil shortage caused by this hurricane "Katrina". The oil drilling wreckage shall cause people to band together and work harder. To forge ahead and rebuild, for the glory of Zod. You Britons: continue to send tribute, and use DHL, not airmail, for sending your gold and platinum.
Q. Dear Zod I was wondering If elected, who would you have as your vice President? -- Brad W.
A. That shall be Ursa. All swear allegiance to her! Certainly how contemptible that your government has seen fit to keep females out of office. Surely now you see the munificence my rule brings to your planet.
Q. I was just curious as to what you plan to do when Jack Bauer and CTU decide to stop you. As you know, Jack Bauer is a resiliant opponent who never seems to give up. How will you stop him? -- Steelspider
A. Does it come as a surprise that this seemingly uncompromising patriot of the United States of America is a double- double- double-agent? You have revealed your disdain for Zod to his agent. I shall have your head.
Q. Congrats on your campaign. I wish you luck. Under your Philly kickoff news item, it mentions you address people as "People of Planet Earth"? Shouldn't it be "Planet Houston"? I suggest you correct this journalistic error both by changing the copy on your site and by incinerating the appropriate "reporters". -- Eric H.
A. You dare give orders to Zod? "Planet Houston" was a misunderstanding incurred while we were destroying Apollo 17. Do you not agree it is difficult to think things through rationally while wrecking a lunar module?
Q. General Zod, forgive me for asking, but doesn't the logic behind the system requiring all citizens to surrender all worldly possessions to Zod seem a bit flawed? After all, how many toaster ovens do you really need? Surely you are now in possession of multiple vacuum cleaners, stereo systems, weed whackers, etc. What use have you for all of this? i fail to understand why such a system has been implemented. Collecting the money of your subjects is a
worthwhile endeavor, but I'm not sure that demanding all of their material possessions is. Please explain. -- Den Dennis
A. What right do you have to demand a full accounting from me, mortal? How dare you test my patience.
Q. Do you realize that there is one man on this planet who will never kneel to you? That being Mr. T? -- Bishop
A. Yes, this is the man who still owns half of the jewelry in the continent, which I expect shall be given in tribute to me. If I am elected, I shall have his head!
Q. O powerful Zod! Why haven't you taken care of Michael Bolton yet? Surly his leadership of the "BoltHeads" threatens your greatness. -- GW III
A. The matter of this defiant Bolton is highest on our level of concerns, and Zod's benevolent administration is doing all it can.
Q. I am new with Frontpage so I am starting a personal web page and was wondering if I may put a link to this page, I think this is extremely funny and think it is well prepared. Let me know, thanks for your time. -- Matt
A. Yes, the decree is that all mortals must link to this candidacy page, under penalty of being forced to listening to the acoustic ruminations of Michael Bolton for 45 minutes. I hear that Superman is a Michael Bolton fan -- what do you think of that?
The treacherous Bolton; he is to be reported to authorities upon sight.
Q. General, do you intend for your regime to be as America-centric as that of your predecessors? Knowing that your power extends to control of the entire planet, don't you feel that patterning your Constitution and executive powers after only one state is a little short sighted? Have you studied the political scene in other nations like China, Russia, or the Dominion of Canada? -- Jay Regner
A. Yes, my administration mostly seeks to accelerate the expanse of economic power by the few and mighty at the expense of the downtrodden, which is really no different than previous administrations. Therefore I wouldn't expect to see any radical changes, and most of those other nations will rapidly fall under the power of General Zod and all other individuals and corporations who seek to pillage their money and culture.
|Q. Your Worshipfulness, on the day of your arrival, when you ordered the President to kneel before you in the Oval Office, were you tempted to tear the wig off his head and use it for yourself? Obviously your superpowers do not encompass a full and lush hairline. -- Tommy G.
A. A clever observation; indeed it is true that the high gamma emissions from our binary star have created conditions ripe for alopecia. Thankfully your ruler enjoys the services of the Hair Club for Men. See the images at right for an example of what they have done for me. Remember, I am not only a client. I am also to be the President.